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Like many trans people, early in my life I knew there was something different about me; and like many trans people from my generation, I kept my thoughts to myself. I grew up in 90s rural Ireland, a time when a wave of conservatism swept over most of the country.
For me the worst part of being trans, was the loneliness. I was surrounded by people who loved me, but my life, until I finally told someone; was the loneliest time of my existence. I was watching, and participating in everyday life, but in my mind, I was a person that nobody knew. Thinking about the loneliness now, I see my little self and just want to tell her, 'Don't be scared, it will be ok, you're not alone'. No child should ever have to experience that intense loneliness.
After years of grappling with why I had this innate feeling that I was a girl, I finally came across the word Trans. It was from a story that was in one of the papers about a trans woman in the UK. Now I knew I was not alone, and more importantly I now knew what I needed to do.
Unfortunately, I never imagined that my family would ever accept me, I was convinced that I would need to run away, change my first and second name, so as they would never be able to find me. That was the plan I made when I was twelve years old. But of course, things did not work out exactly how I had naively imagined. In reality I spent several years going back and forth; from Ireland to England. Every time leaving Ireland with the intention of starting transition, and every time leaving England because, just maybe, for the love of my family; I could just go on as I was. Except it never goes away, in fact the older I got the worse the dysphoria got. The last time I went to England was different, I was able to tell someone, they were supportive, understanding and accepting. And I most certainly do not have enough words in this brief synopsis of my life to explain this extraordinary human being. I dread to think where I would be now without them. My experience in England was mostly positive. Admittedly it was a slow process that at times was infuriating, but I got the care I needed. Years into my transition I still never really truly contemplated moving back home to Ireland, but that all changed in 2015 when I watched the marriage equality referendum unfold, which sent a clear message that Ireland had moved forward. Hence, I moved home full time soon after. One of the first things I needed to do was acquire a doctor, as of course I still needed my medication. Additionally, as I have had numerous surgeries, as such it was important that I could comfortably discuss any issues with my doctor. Unfortunately, I accidentally came across my doctor's social media profile, and while I would not say they are a full blown transphobe, the accounts that they interact with most certainly are. I no longer felt comfortable going to that doctor, and to be honest, I was quite annoyed, not so much for myself, but what if a young trans person goes to that doctor. How can they give them the care they need? Sometime after this I found a lump on my breast which turned out to be lipoma, which is a harmless gathering of fatty tissue, which I had removed. However, when I went to another doctor in the same clinic about it, as I was concerned this could be a rupture, I was told I should go back to England where I had my breast surgery done. I had to arrange another appointment with another doctor at the same clinic, and thankfully this time they examined my breasts and sent me for an outpatient appointment to have the lipoma removed. It's important to also mention that when I had it removed as an outpatient, the person who done the procedure was an extremely nice person who understood transgender issues. I currently have no doctor that I can discuss anything trans related with. I have a clinic that I am registered at, I have my prescription on repeat, so I simply ring up to get that filled every month. I am looking for a trans friendly doctor but that is not an easy feat, considering the area that I live in. I frequently hear transphobes claim that trans people have mental health issues, that any depression we suffer is through our own fault. But I have lived this life now for nearly 20 years, and I can whole heartedly say, acceptance negates most all issues relating to being trans. 
A quote that reads: For me the worst part of being trans, was the loneliness. I was surrounded by people who loved me, but my life, until I finally told someone; was the loneliest time of my existence. I was watching, and participating in everyday life, but in my mind, I was a person that nobody knew. Thinking about the loneliness now, I see my little self and just want to tell her, 'Don't be scared, it will be ok, you're not alone'. No child should ever have to experience that intense loneliness.
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