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Like many trans people, early in my life I knew there was something different about me; and like many trans people from my generation, I kept my thoughts to myself. I grew up in 90s rural Ireland, a time when a wave of conservatism swept over most of the country.
For me the worst part of being trans, was the loneliness. I was surrounded by people who loved me, but my life, until I finally told someone; was the loneliest time of my existence. I was watching, and participating in everyday life, but in my mind, I was a person that nobody knew. Thinking about the loneliness now, I see my little self and just want to tell her, 'Don't be scared, it will be ok, you're not alone'. No child should ever have to experience that intense loneliness.
After years of grappling with why I had this innate feeling that I was a girl, I finally came across the word Trans. It was from a story that was in one of the papers about a trans woman in the UK. Now I knew I was not alone, and more importantly I now knew what I needed to do.
Unfortunately, I never imagined that my family would ever accept me, I was convinced that I would need to run away, change my first and second name, so as they would never be able to find me. That was the plan I made when I was twelve years old. But of course, things did not work out exactly how I had naively imagined. In reality I spent several years going back and forth; from Ireland to England. Every time leaving Ireland with the intention of starting transition, and every time leaving England because, just maybe, for the love of my family; I could just go on as I was. Except it never goes away, in fact the older I got the worse the dysphoria got. The last time I went to England was different, I was able to tell someone, they were supportive, understanding and accepting. And I most certainly do not have enough words in this brief synopsis of my life to explain this extraordinary human being. I dread to think where I would be now without them. My experience in England was mostly positive. Admittedly it was a slow process that at times was infuriating, but I got the care I needed. Years into my transition I still never really truly contemplated moving back home to Ireland, but that all changed in 2015 when I watched the marriage equality referendum unfold, which sent a clear message that Ireland had moved forward. Hence, I moved home full time soon after. One of the first things I needed to do was acquire a doctor, as of course I still needed my medication. Additionally, as I have had numerous surgeries, as such it was important that I could comfortably discuss any issues with my doctor. Unfortunately, I accidentally came across my doctor's social media profile, and while I would not say they are a full blown transphobe, the accounts that they interact with most certainly are. I no longer felt comfortable going to that doctor, and to be honest, I was quite annoyed, not so much for myself, but what if a young trans person goes to that doctor. How can they give them the care they need? Sometime after this I found a lump on my breast which turned out to be lipoma, which is a harmless gathering of fatty tissue, which I had removed. However, when I went to another doctor in the same clinic about it, as I was concerned this could be a rupture, I was told I should go back to England where I had my breast surgery done. I had to arrange another appointment with another doctor at the same clinic, and thankfully this time they examined my breasts and sent me for an outpatient appointment to have the lipoma removed. It's important to also mention that when I had it removed as an outpatient, the person who done the procedure was an extremely nice person who understood transgender issues. I currently have no doctor that I can discuss anything trans related with. I have a clinic that I am registered at, I have my prescription on repeat, so I simply ring up to get that filled every month. I am looking for a trans friendly doctor but that is not an easy feat, considering the area that I live in. I frequently hear transphobes claim that trans people have mental health issues, that any depression we suffer is through our own fault. But I have lived this life now for nearly 20 years, and I can whole heartedly say, acceptance negates most all issues relating to being trans. 
A quote that reads: For me the worst part of being trans, was the loneliness. I was surrounded by people who loved me, but my life, until I finally told someone; was the loneliest time of my existence. I was watching, and participating in everyday life, but in my mind, I was a person that nobody knew. Thinking about the loneliness now, I see my little self and just want to tell her, 'Don't be scared, it will be ok, you're not alone'. No child should ever have to experience that intense loneliness.
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I've been at my clinic for about six years or so. Back then, you only needed a referral from a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist to be taken into the clinic. I saw a clinical psychologist, who diagnosed and referred me there. I remember my first time there, feeling so worried and so scared, because I had heard the things that people had said about them. That wasn't my experience at all. After a year or so in their care, I was told that I could be referred for gender affirmation surgery with the NHS. I was blown away. I remember talking to people in support groups and hearing they had been waiting for years, and I couldn't understand why they had been waiting, and that I was being put forward. They told me to get a second opinion diagnosis from a psychiatrist, and that when I came back with this, I would be put straight on the waiting list. That didn't happen.
The next time I saw them, I had my two diagnoses, and I had all the other documents they had asked for. In this meeting, after being promised I would be put on the waiting list for surgery, they told me that they were no longer working with the NHS, and that they had no plans to refer to any other clinic in Europe. I felt like the ground disappeared beneath me. I broke down sobbing in the office in front of one of the senior staff and this poor junior consultant who had no idea what to say or do. I just sat there in the room and bawled my eyes out for I don't even know how long. Nothing happened for another two years. ​After two years, I got a phone call and was told that they were setting up a new waiting list that involved doing their own assessments in-house. I was confused, because I already had two diagnoses at this point, and I had been living full time for years. I asked why this was the case and was told they wanted to make it standardised, and it was actually really streamlined, and would be good in the long run. I was waiting another 18 months before I was contacted again and told I would have to see another psychiatrist and clinical psychologist.
I had to sit in a room with someone for almost four hours while they poked and prodded at every detail of my childhood looking for reasons why I might be lying about being trans. Instead of asking me "how has your life improved since you transitioned?", or "what would surgery mean for you?", I was asked about how I masturbate, what kind of porn I watch, how I have sex with my partner, and how I feel when I get an erection.
I remember sitting in that room, crying, feeling such intense shame and pain, barely able to speak, and rather than have them acknowledge that, I was forced to explicitly and verbally describe all of this in detail to them. No matter the amount of pain, agony, and humiliation this caused me, this was the only way they would give me access to the healthcare I need.
Later that year, I had to do a second assessment with another professional. I sat in that room and felt terrified that they would try and pick my words apart. Even though I had been honest in my first session, I was scared they would try to talk me into contradicting myself. It felt like an interrogation. They made me feel as though I had committed a crime by being trans, and that they were the authority in place to stop me. Since then, I no longer trust medical or mental health professionals. This has fundamentally changed how I think about the people there to help and protect us. In these sessions I was not helped or protected. I was needlessly harmed for the sake of ticking boxes that didn't need to be ticked. When this was done, I was finally referred for surgery, and I've been waiting almost two years.
I'm writing this now because not too long ago, I got a letter from the clinic I was on the waiting list with. They told me they have stopped doing gender affirming surgery, and I'm going to be transferred to another clinic. It's been five years since I was promised I'd be referred, I've had four separate diagnoses, and I've just been added to the back of another waiting list. I've wanted to talk openly about this, but I know what has happened to others that have spoken out.
If I put my name to this, then I will be denied healthcare, I'll be taken off all waiting lists, and potentially threatened with litigation, as has happened with others in my position. There is such a gross and unjust power imbalance, where services can take our inalienable right to healthcare and hold us hostage to it. Share this story
My local GP refused to prescribe my HRT, even though I transitioned many decades ago abroad28/11/2021
I told her that I had transitioned many decades before and that I needed a post-operative dose of IM estradiol valerate. Instead of giving me a prescription, any prescription, for HRT that any post-menopausal woman would take, she refused and said I would have to go through the National Gender Service.
I told her the medical and mental health risks of me going off estradiol and the waitlists and she said without the NGS, she could and would do nothing. "So, let me get this right? You're willing to risk my health because the NGS hasn't evaluated me over something that happened 25 years ago?"
At that point, knowing exactly the kind of treatment I'd get at the hands of the NGS, I began searching for some solution. Unable to find any source of the medication I have been on for years, I found someone who compounds the medication at a reasonable price. In her home.
So I began buying my injectables overseas and using the network of feminists who smuggled the abortion pill into Ireland in order to avail myself of a medication I've been on for close to three decades now.
I would like to not have to deal with this at my age. I would like to be able to go into a GP, tell them, I'm trans, here is the dosage I need of X and not have to go through the dehumanising treatment so common in Irish trans health "care". I would like the National Gender Service to actually implement an informed consent model instead of me having to repeatedly risk my health and wellbeing in order to avoid their mistreatment.
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I was referred to the NGS in 2017.
I did not hear from them until 2019, two years after referral, when I called to see if my referral was one of the ones lost and it was.
I received a letter in early 2021, nearly a year and a half after that, to give me the appointment for my initial assessment. This lasted 4.5 hours, with a ten-minute break during. It was at 9am and they did not take into account that I live 4.5 hours away from the hospital, and therefore had to drive up at 4:30am, and drive back home again after the appointment ended. It was a 620km round trip. When I called to confirm, I asked if it was possible to do it on video call due to the distance and COVID, and they said it was not.
The appointment was with a social worker and covered my mother's pregnancy with me, early childhood, family relationships, friendships, social life, education, and work. A lot of it was not relevant to my identity.
They did not like when I couldn't remember details, such as names of childhood friends or why we aren't still in contact. I don't think this is fair as no one has a perfect memory of everything that has ever happened to them, and the NGS expects us to remember every little detail. They spent some time talking about my relationship with my partner and family planning, mentioning their own children. They asked that he attend my second appointment.
My second appointment took place three months later and lasted approx 30 minutes. I was told it would take 90, but it began approx 40 minutes late and I was on break from work and had to get back on time. They ran through what to expect when starting HRT and clarified a few things from my previous appointment. They gave me a vague estimate of when I would return for my third appointment and that it would basically entail picking up my prescription and a quick chat with them.
I received a letter two months after that stating my third appointment will take place towards the end of this year. This appointment is one week shy of four years since referral. I received a call from the social worker shortly after this letter asking to arrange a family planning appointment with me and my partner over video call. They said this is something they like to do with couples who are long-term or live together. During my initial appointment with them, I stated that I was in a long-term relationship and that we are living together. They asked about future children and I stated that we had discussed it, but it wasn't going to be soon, and that we had no solid plans about how to go ahead with this. She asked if I intended to freeze eggs before I start HRT and I said that I did not, that I was not compelled to have biological children, that I would not be carrying any children myself, and that I could not afford this anyway. They wrote this down and said they would support me if I chose to have biological children, which I again said I had no intention to.
In my second appointment, they brought this up and asked me my stance on my relationship and future children. I restated the above, and they said they are supportive of if I wished to have biological children, and informed me to not expect to have children at all any other way, as surrogacy is illegal, foreign adoption for a gay couple is very complicated, and Irish adoption is very difficult. I said that I had no solid plans for children yet as I am still quite young, and we never know what changes may occur by the time I may choose to have any.
I had the family planning appointment with the social worker and my partner on video call. It lasted approx. 30 minutes and during that time they repeatedly asked me to consider "preserving my fertility", even though I stated I would not be doing this. My partner joined in on this after their third time asking to say that, like I had previously stated several times, this was not something we were considering. They insisted it was important to consider, and we both assured them we had discussed it and it would not be happening. They briefly mentioned the other options for having children, but spoke of them very negatively, and continued to bring the conversation back to the topic of biological children and me carrying a child, for the duration of the appointment. At the end, they asked if I had any questions, but when I asked them, they did not have any answers. Overall, it was thoroughly unhelpful and unnecessary, and I remain unsure as to why they insisted on it in the first place. They seemed to think that I was going to regret not "preserving my fertility" or having biological children, and did not listen to me repeat what I stated in my first two appointments, and in this one.
Regarding COVID, I have had to attend all appointments thus far in person, and have not been permitted to wear a mask during. They said that both of these are because they want to be able to accurately read body language and facial expressions, and the secretary confirmed this on the phone.
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